Situationships: The Epidemic of Emotional Unavailability

Lately I’ve been wondering what the hell happened to actual yearning and pining. In It’s a Wonderful Life, George does everything to get Mary to fall for him. He calls her house, finds ways to bump into her around town, takes her out dancing and for a stroll in the moonlight. He promises to lasso the moon for her. He buys her her dream home, putting his dreams of travel on hold to give her a good life. That is romance. Yearning. Pining. Complete and unconditional love.

I don’t know if situationships existed back then, but they sure as hell do now. Yearning and pining has been replaced with lust and emotional unavailability. Truly, it is becoming an epidemic. Thousands of men who appear to be ready to give you love and security, the second you start to fall, tell you they “aren’t ready for anything serious.” Or, “aren’t in relationship place right now.” Honestly, it’s a load of bullshit. 

I get it, not everyone is the one for you. But I don’t really think that’s what this is about. I have gone on many dates where I just know that it isn’t going to work out. One date and then you just politely end it. You let them know that they are a great person, but you're just not feeling it. Or you don't think you are compatible. It's like ripping of a band aid. What’s happening here though is entirely different. It’s not one or two dates to see if you guys get along and then ending it when you realize there’s a lack of chemistry or incompatibility. It’s dates upon dates, it’s hints at a future together, sneak peeks at what a relationship could look like, the illusion of love and compassion, and then BAM!

“I’m sorry if it wasn’t clear before. I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” 

I know for a fact I am not the only woman stuck in situationship jail. Plenty of women find themselves being fooled by men who know what to say and how to say it before taking all that false generosity, care, and loving away. It’s easy to be mad about it. It’s much harder to walk away from it. The responses from loved ones are all the same:

“If he’s not willing to give you what you want, then you need to walk away.”

“He doesn’t want a relationship and that will not change. Get out while you can and find someone who wants to be with you.”

“You deserve better!”

And my absolute favorite: “Let this one go. The right guy will come along when you least expect it.” 

It’s hard to heavily criticize those statements because a) they are correct and b) they always come from a place of love. But it ignores the emotional part of us. Everyone – and I mean everyone – is looking to feel some sort of love, understanding, and safety. If we just had brains and relied on solely logic, then it would be easy to find this. Look for someone who tells you that a relationship is what they want, find the ways in which your lives can be pieced together and viola, you have a relationship! The problem is that we have hearts. If our logical sides are a piece of paper, holding carefully curated ideas and plans for how to find love in our lives, then the heart is a pair of scissors. Scissors beat paper. 

If I had just a brain and not a heart, I could easily walk away from my own situationship. The problem is that even when I know this man does not want to date me, even when I know that he has nothing to offer me other than a booty call whenever he’s free, it's hard to cut him loose. Because before the verdict had been ruled and I had been thrown into situationship jail, I liked him. I started to feel soft and biased towards him. All of his jokes were funny, being near him was magnetic, I wanted our dates not to end, I wanted to see him multiple times a week and I wanted to text him and call him and move towards “dating behaviors.” I wanted him to be a part of my life. And I wanted to be a part of his. 

And then the good old exclusivity conversation came around. I will admit, it may have come too early and it may have been too rushed. But when it came, I was crushed. A boy I really liked - something that does not happen often to me - did not want to be exclusive. He was open to “any possibility.” I guess one of those possibilities is not exclusively dating me. And, while I knew I should’ve cut him off right then and there, I didn’t. I let him stick around. I let him text me, I let him come over and make out with me, I let him think he still had a foot in the door to my life. Because, really, he did. And he does. Not because I hate myself, have lost respect for myself, or don’t believe that I deserve someone who wants what I want. Because it’s hard to let that feeling go of liking someone a lot. And it’s even harder to let that go when there isn’t something else waiting that you can pick up and run with. It's easier to let yourself be hurt by someone who's there sometimes than to be all alone.

Now, it’s been a few months into my sentence and my eyes are opening and I am feeling the side effects. The signs are all there: we only text when I initiate the conversation; when I try to let him go, he reaches out; we see each other less and less (and we only saw each other once a week before); when we do see each other, we only make out; most of our conversations are about lust and what we would do when we’re together, although the moments when we are together are few and far between. It’s all there. The writing is on the wall. It is a situationship through and through.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am putting myself out there. I'm going on dates, exploring new people, and trying to find guys who want what I want out of a partner and out of life. But it’s hard to find someone I like as much as I like him. Mainly, because at this point I have known him for much longer than I’ve known these other men I go on dates with. Also because I am holding out hope. 

It’s a well known fact that you cannot change anyone. Who they are is who they are, it is not your responsibility to change that. If they want to change, it has to come from them and it has to come from within. However, there is still a part of me that thinks that if I stick around and play the long game, eventually he will want to be with me. He’ll come to his senses. We’ll get to finally be together. I will get to be happy.  

Now here is where I get all sociological. I believe that the problem with these situationships is not us - the girls, gays, or theys that get into these scenarios. It is the heterosexual men who create these conditions for us (these situationships can happen in any type of relationship, but we will focus on heterosexual men for the moment). Of course, it is okay to not want to be in a relationship. Of course, it is okay to be hurt or burned and scared of starting something new. What is not okay is saying what you know someone wants to hear and teasing them with “boyfriend behavior” so that you can get what you want out of the relationship. Because you will hook that person in and it will become harder and harder for them to walk away. 

It seems to me that there is a bit of an epidemic in heterosexual men not being able to settle down. I don’t know if we should blame frat boy culture, or a lack of therapy for men, or the growing lack of emotional maturity, or the influences of porn on teenage boys. But there is something that is making men not want to settle down. They are always on the hunt for something better. A better woman. That is what they are looking for. And while they search for that, they hold onto the woman who liked them from the beginning because it is better to have someone than no one. I get it. Right now, I am doing the same. Holding onto him until I find someone else because it is better than being completely alone. But the difference is that I wanted to date him. And I still would. Right now, I am doing what I have to do to survive the online dating world. 

A part of this problem seems to stem from online dating. There are so many eligible women at men’s fingertips. Unlike meeting someone in person, if you don’t like the girl you are talking to, you can easily find someone else. All it takes is some swiping, matching, and a bit of conversation. But that negates the whole concept of dating and love. Love isn't about playing a game of who can be the best partner. It's about finding someone and creating a genuine connection with them. However, onling dating has taken away this personal touch. It's allowed a shift to swiping culture, where we are constantly on the hunt for something bigger and better. Now, I don't hate men. Let's make that clear. I don't think that all men do this and that it is a part of their initiation process into manhood. However, I do think that we have failed our boys and young men. How is someone supposed to give people a chance and fall in love overtime when there is a sense of immediate gratification being handed to them 24/7? How are they supposed to be emotionally available when they simply do not have the tools to do so. Therapy is taboo for men. Porn gives them a false sense of what sex is and who women are. Online dating apps give them the false sense that there will always be something better.

These issues are bigger than just a blog article analyzing them. No man will read this article and immediately change for the better. And it sure as well won't help someone who is in a situationship in their efforts to try and get out of it and find someone real to love. But, I do hope that we begin to think critically about the environment we are creating as a society in the dating world. As I said before, true love, is all we are looking for in life. Whether you're ready for it now or will be a few years down the road, everyone is looking to be loved, understood, and to feel safe. So why can’t we break ourselves loose of these situationship jails to just find what we all want? Why can’t we go with clear communication so as not to lead anyone else on, simply out of kindness for our fellow human? I don’t know. That, I do not have speculation or answers to. But I very much hope that something will give. Because as fun as a Sex and the City summer is, summer will eventually end. And that’s when the ache for love will really begin.