Situationships: The Epidemic of Emotional Unavailability

Lately I’ve been wondering what has happened to yearning in the true definition of the word. In It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey does everything to get Mary to fall for him. He courts her, yearns for her, he even promises to lasso the moon for her. And while he can’t necessarily do that, he buys her her dream home and puts his dreams of travel on hold to give her a good life. That is romance. Yearning. Pining. 

Around 79 years later and yearning has been replaced with something entirely different. Lust and emotional unavailability disguised as yearning and a potential great love story. Courting and dating with intention has turned into situationships and casual relationships. It almost seems as if situationships are becoming an epidemic. Thousands of men who appear to be ready to give you love and security, the second you start to fall, tell you they “aren’t ready for anything serious” or, “aren’t in a relationship place right now.” Honestly, it’s a load of bullshit. 

I get it, not everyone is the one for you. I have gone on many dates where I just know that it isn’t going to work out. There’s no spark or real connection. You try your hardest to act as neutral as you can. You let them know that they are a great person, but you're just not feeling it or you don't think you’re compatible. It’s never fun but it’s like ripping off a band aid: once you do it, everything feels better. What’s happening here, though, is different. The first couple of dates are not neutral, slow, getting to know you dates. There is no honest communication or ripping off of the bandaid. It’s wonderful dates, a sense of instant connection, hints at a future together, sneak peeks at what a relationship could look like, the illusion of love and compassion, a false sense of intimacy, and then BAM!

“I’m sorry if it wasn’t clear before. I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” 

I know for a fact I am not the only woman who has been stuck in what I like to call “situationship jail.” Plenty of women find themselves fooled by emotionally unavailable men. It’s easy to be mad about it. It’s much harder to walk away from it. Our loved ones will tell us things like:  

“If he’s not willing to give you what you want, then you need to walk away.” 

“He doesn’t want a relationship and that will not change. Get out while you can and find someone who wants to be with you.” 

“You deserve better!” 

And my absolute favorite: “Let this one go. The right guy will come along when you least expect it.” 

It’s hard to heavily criticize those statements because a) they are correct and b) they always come from a place of love. But they ignore the emotional part of us. Everyone is looking to feel some sort of love, understanding, and safety. It’s just our nature. If we relied solely on logic, then dating would be easy. Look for someone who tells you what they want, build a connection, blend your lives, and viola, you have an A+ relationship! The only problem? If we like the idea of someone enough, our hearts will win the battle. If logic is a piece of paper with carefully curated ideas and plans for how to find love in our lives, then the heart is a pair of scissors. Scissors beat paper. 

If I had just a brain and not a heart, I would have easily walked away from my own situationship. Logically, I knew this man had nothing to offer me other than a booty call whenever he was free. Still, it was hard to cut him loose. Before I had received my sentence, I liked him. I didn’t just like him, I was into him. All of his jokes were funny, being near him was magnetic, I wanted our dates to last forever, I wanted to see him all the time…I wanted him to be a part of my life. And I wanted to be a part of his. 

And then the exclusivity conversation came around. A tale as old as time. Girl wants to date boy, boy doesn’t want to date girl. I was crushed. He was open to “any possibility.” None of those possibilities, however, included dating me. Instead of cutting it off, I let him keep one foot in the door to my life. And not because I hated, lost respect for myself, or didn’t believe that I deserved someone who wanted me. Because – no matter what we say when we’re not the ones in the situation – it’s hard to let go of what could be. And it’s even harder to let that go when there isn’t anything else waiting for you. It's easier to let yourself be hurt by someone who's there sometimes than to be all alone. 

Now that I’ve escaped from the confines of a casual relationship, I can see the warning signs, the writing on the wall, the not so subtle foreshadowing: I initiated every conversation; he gave me nothing and when I tried to let him go, he reached out; we went from weekly dates out to occasional booty calls; we sexted with the occasional life updates and friendly conversation; he showed signs he didn’t want me. Period. The writing was on the wall. Despite being completely attached to him, I did still put myself out there. I went on dates trying desperately to find the right person that would break the spell. But, when you spend months bending your life and your time so that you’re ready to receive bread crumbs of affection from someone, it’s hard to open yourself up to others. Because you’re not really getting over him. You’re just keeping yourself busy while you wait for him to change his mind.  

It’s a well known fact that you cannot change anyone. We are all responsible for our own lives. Additionally, some people don’t want to change. Who are we to say “you should want a relationship and it should be with me!” Think of He’s Just Not That Into You. Unrequited love/lust/like is a natural part of life. While we can hope that the person we want will want us back, if they don’t, we really can’t force that desire. But, of course, how do you tell your heart that? 

If it were as simple as “he’s just not that into you,” I think we wouldn’t be seeing these situationships where one party is happy and the other is miserable. What we’re seeing in modern dating is a little more than just unrequited crushes and butt-hurt individuals. The difference lies in the actions of the unavailable person. In these relationships, the delusion that the available person feels is not completely unwarranted. Sure, we all play a role in our own delusion. But the unavailable individual feeds into the delusion. They want certain aspects of a relationship – intimacy, physical connection, reliability, etc. – without a label. They want to live as a single person while getting relationship-benefits from someone they know is desperate to have their attention.   

I believe that the problem with these situationships is not us - the girls, gays, or theys that get into these relationships. It is the heterosexual men who create these conditions for us (These situationships can happen in any relationship, however, I will use heterosexual men to make my point here). Of course, it is okay to not want to be in a relationship. Of course, it is okay to be hurt and not ready. What is not okay is saying what you know someone wants to hear and teasing them with “boyfriend behavior” so that you can get what you want out of the relationship. 

All of this comes down to the larger social problem: a trend of heterosexual men not being able to settle down. There are a few things that we could blame: frat boy culture, a lack of therapy for men, the growing lack of emotional maturity, and/or the influences of porn on teenage boys. But, what I think we need to focus on first is our current online dating culture. Dating has left the real world and lives in a variety of apps that function as a complicated game no one really knows the rules of. When there are thousands of options at your fingertips, even if you find someone you think is great, there could be someone “better” just one swipe away. In my experience, most women are looking for something simple: a kind man who takes care of them and who they find attractive. Most of the women I have bonded with over the pain of online dating aren’t enthralled by the sheer amount of options available. That’s mainly because, based on what women tend to be looking for, there are really not a lot of options for us. For men, on the other hand, there are a variety of beautiful, smart, and accomplished women who are just looking for someone to love and appreciate them. And there seems to be a growing group of men who match with women they know want commitment, despite having zero intention of committing to her. They want access to the perfect girlfriend-material woman while they search around for a “better” option. One might also ask, why do women fall into these relationships? If they’re looking for a specific kind of person, why fall into bed with the complete opposite? Aside from the emotion-based reasons we’ve already covered, it comes down to not wanting to be alone. Something women have been warned not to do since the beginning of time. 

Like I’ve said, these problems are present in dating in general and across different kinds of relationships. What I find interesting in this particular trend is the way gender plays a role. We could argue that the increase in emotionally unavailable men has something to do with the specific culture we have created for boys and young men. We have made the resources that could help men open up and be vulnerable taboo and we have exposed them to unrealistic imagery of women and sex. We could also argue that women have been taught to accept the bare minimum or worse just so that they don’t end up alone. And we could argue that it’s the more general introduction of the digital age where instant gratification is bountiful and online dating apps make sure you have everything available at your fingertips, even love. Maybe we could argue that it's a combination of all of these things. Maybe, it’s the way we have failed men and the way we have failed women and the way we’ve designed our society. 

I would like to clarify that I don’t think all men are like this. I know of many kind, wonderful men who just want to love and be loved. However, we can’t just ignore these trends because dating is human connection which is an integral part of our culture and society. We have created an unhealthy dating culture consisting of meaningless dates, love-bombing, ghosting, and a severe lack of communication. We are dating to feel something, anything, and we are getting burned out. There has got to be a better way. 

Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer. No emotionally unavailable man will read this article and immediately change his ways. No woman will read this article and instantly end their months-long situationship. But, I do hope that this opens up a larger discussion on how we relate to one another. At the end of the day, love is in everything we do. We owe it to ourselves to find a better way to engage with it.